(602): The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.

(832): Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.

(781): We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.

(207): So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right

(250): tequila makes me forget i have legs

(336): She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?

(305): Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?

(541): THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS

(403): I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?

(850): It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.

(651): You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.

(720): I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.

(443): Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions

(647): Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time

(262): well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving

(860): My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

(1-860): I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

(412): i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.

(860): Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day

(732): I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance

(517): Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.